Posts Tagged ‘Southeastern Conference


Bama’s season claims another victim
Originally uploaded by johnvierdsen

Our observers in Tuscaloosa early this morning observed the lifeless body of John Vierdsen, clutching an empty bottle of Captain Morgan, leaning up against the Bear Bryant statue in the plaza in front of Bryant-Denny Stadium.

Penned to his sport coat was a note explaining what happened:

Alabama’s football season is over.

After over a decade of wandering in the wilderness (with the exception of 1999, 2002 and 2005), the Tide went undefeated in the regular season, beating Tennessee, LSU and Auburn for the first time in the same year since Gene Stallings walked the sidelines. 12-0. It was nice.

But, then, Bama was beat by one man, St. Tebow. That was harsh, but everyone knows Tebow has the support of the Almighty.

What could not be comprehended is how a team from Mormon country, hilariously named after a Native American tribe (Did you say Utes?), could completely own one of the toughest defenses and offensive lines in all of college football.

It was just too much.

While Bama will be returning a number of very talented sophomores next year, Vierdsen cannot stand to watch the the Tide compete with bat-shit crazy Houston Nutt’s Ole Miss squad for another chance at the SEC title game.

And, on that note, John is checking out.

Roll Tide.

According to Vierdsen’s wishes, he will be cremated and have his ashes scattered over the Crimson Tide’s practice field.


At 11:27 p.m., we are calling it — BOLLOCKS.


This year, Bama beat Tennessee, LSU and Auburn (36-0, what!), but the Tide’s youth ultimately betrayed the team against Florida and Utah. And, to that, John says, “Fuck all.” Never has a 12-2 record felt like such a letdown.

UPDATE: It has been about an hour now, and Vierdsen has come to terms with the loss. In the ’90s, it would have taken a few days. Now, it takes less than a couple hours. Thanks, Mike Shula!



Smoke ’em if you got ’em: Alabama in the Sugar Bowl


Gump4Heisman’s Retro Alabama Football Ad Campaign [Gump4Heisman]


An Alabama Christmas

God help us all.



Bama v. Virginia Tech next year in Atlanta
Originally uploaded by johnvierdsen

Because the ACC wasn’t satisfied with having just one of its teams getting blown out by Alabama in the Georgia Dome, Virginia Tech will be coming to town on Sept. 5 to face the Crimson Tide in the Chick-fil-A College Kickoff.

Expect nuggets, waffle fries.

Hokie fans (see example on right) tend to think Tech is pretty hot shit, especially since the Gobblers have been good, UVa has sucked, and the national media have been suckling at Frank Beamer’s special teams teat for over a decade.

The game will be sweet revenge for Bama fans, who still remember getting prison raped by Tech in the ’98 Music City Bowl. And it sure will be fun to see Hokie fans heading to the exits before the end of the third quarter.

Crimson Tide, Hokies to meet in College Kickoff []

UPDATE: Alabama’s 2009 schedule was released today:
Sept. 5 vs. Virginia Tech @ Atlanta
Sept. 12 vs. Florida International
Sept. 19 vs. North Texas
Sept. 26 vs. Arkansas
Oct. 3 @ Kentucky
Oct. 10 @ Ole Miss
Oct. 17 vs. South Carolina
Oct. 24 vs. Tennessee
Nov. 7 vs. LSU
Nov. 14 @ Mississippi State
Nov. 21 vs. UT-Chattanooga
Nov. 28 @ Auburn

Damn. That looks mighty nice.


BCS an anti-trust violator?

Rep. Neil Abercrombie, a Democrat from Hawai’i, is reportedly going to introduce a bill to declare the Bowl Championship Series a violation of the United States’ anti-trust laws as an illegal restraint of trade. While he’s not joined by his close friend, Rep. Fitch, Reps. Lynn Westmoreland (R-Georgia), Mike Simpson (R-Idaho) and Jim Matheson (D-Utah) are signing on to the bill.

Is the BCS a violation of law? Don’t know. Laws regarding sports are even murkier than the rest of the U.S. Code. There is some more motivation for a playoff, though. Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops is in favor of it, as is President-elect Barack Obama. Still, Stoops said that at a recent meeting of coaches, most were against a playoff.

Yes, a playoff would make sense, in the most logical form. But, college football is a sport that is wedded to tradition that bests even Major League Baseball. Many localities make a goodly amount of cash on bowl games held there. Also, the way it works is great for the regular season. Take, for example, college basketball. A team can have a sub-.500 season, win the conference tourney and make it to the NCAA Tournament. It makes the regular season a waste of time.

Whereas, in college football, every week counts. Florida bit it against Ole Miss and has to pray for Alabama to lose to Auburn or a win in the SEC title game for the chance at a title shot. Southern Cal is basically fucked after losing to an Oregon State team that got blown out by Penn State.

As fucked up as it is, let’s keep the BCS. There’s something strangely wonderful about developing ulcers every Saturday because your team might not show up and lose its shot at the national championship.

Oh, and Alabama is 11-0 and No. 1. Suck it, bitches.

Abercrombie plans to resubmit BCS bill claiming illegal restraint of trade []


Win (part 2)


Are you there 1992? It’s me, Vierdsen. Seriously, this Alabama team did all it could do to let LSU win the game. There were three turnovers in the first half, including one by current goat wide receiver Earl Alexander as he tried to stretch the ball over the end zone line. The fact is, defense does win championships. Defensive back Rashad Johnson had a school-tying record three picks in the game, including one for a touchdown and another to end LSU’s drive for points in overtime.

In ’92, Bama’s offense was average at best, but the defense made the difference. Anybody that watched Saturday’s battle royale against LSU would have to make the same assumption. As of right now, the national pundits believe that Florida will beat Bama in the SEC Championship game and play for the second consecutive year time in three years in the national championship game. That’s fine. The second national pundits start playing up the Tide will be the week Bama loses. Winning ugly is still winning, plus, Alabama beat the 3.5-point spread. Winner winner, chicken dinner. Now, it’s off to two more revenge games.

Sylvester Croom, Bear Bryant’s first black All-American, will lead his Mississippi State team into Tuscaloosa for a 7:45 p.m. ESPN game this weekend. MSU beat the Tide the past two seasons, and the Bulldogs are due for a revenge shanking. In the last game of the regular season, a shitty Auburn team comes in looking to extend its winning streak against Bama to seven games. For the first time in history, the Tigers have a six-game streak against the Tide.

Like in politics, all you need is 50 percent plus one. If Bama can win its next two, then hold off Lord Tebow in Atlanta, the Tide will probably get a rematch of the ’06 Cotton Bowl against Texas Tech, or get a legendary showdown against Texas. It’s on, motherfucker!

Tidal Wave: ‘Bama clinches SEC West with OT win [The Tuscaloosa News]

UPDATE: How the hell did nobody call out Vierden for the mistake illustrated by the strikethrough above? Damn. John wrote this post after a few drinks, but that’s no excuse for an SEC readership not to pillory someone for saying something so stupid, since LSU whipped Ohio State last year, not Florida.

Alabama Football

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