Posts Tagged ‘Parody


Smoke ’em if you got ’em: Alabama in the Sugar Bowl


Gump4Heisman’s Retro Alabama Football Ad Campaign [Gump4Heisman]


Cancel the elections: The Brits are taking us back
Originally uploaded by johnvierdsen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your utter failure in recent years to elect competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas and Texas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Ha! Jokes. This is what happens when your British friends start forwarding you emails.


This is a whole big bowl of wrong – somebody put lipstick on that pig


From a 3-2 win to your dairy aisle

Is it time for panic with Auburn’s struggling spread offense? [Paul Finebaum/The Press Register]


Russia invades Georgia, lays seige to Atlanta
Georgian troops outside I-285 set up their guns
in advance of the Russian attack.

Matthew Brady/The Associated Press

DULUTH, Ga. – After several months of charges and counter-charges, Russia followed up on its threats and invaded Georgia today, entering the Peach State early this morning, with Su-35 warplanes striking planned communities in Marietta and Roswell, causing mass destruction and total chaos in the morning commute.
“We told those Russkie bastards they couldn’t have our ‘shine,” Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) said, “but they kept saying something about how they could only have the most powerful, blinding alcohol in the world.”
Allegedly, talks broke down around 9 p.m. last night, when Georgia diplomat Early Cuyler made an inappropriate advance toward Russian President Dmitry Medvedev‘s wife. Witnesses describe Cuyler enticing Svetlana Medvedev to his bedroom with talk about bootleg whiskey and what he would do with his “tenticles,” followed by a “WOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and a slap of her ass.
Not surprisingly, Cuyler’s home near Tallulah Falls, Ga. was hit with multiple nuclear warheads shortly before the invasion, obliterating most of northeast Georgia and a significant portion of the South Carolina upstate. South Carolina has yet to announce any retaliation, as many in state government have expressed that Clemson will not be missed.
As of press time, the Georgia military has fallen back to positions on the north side of I-285, meaning to protect the beltway from destruction and Russian control.
“Our interstates are already a wasteland because of construction and delays,” Gov. Sonny Perdue said. “Just imagine what will happen if those Communist bureaucrats take control!”
Latest reports have it that the Georgia Department of Transportation, a hotbed of Communist bureaucrats, has defected to the Russian side.

Putin Says ‘War Has Started,’ Georgia Claims Invasion [Bloomberg News]

Alabama Football

Dave Martin/AP

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